Ramblings...

1. I won’t actually use the Pearls methods on my children.  I’ve put too much hard work into raising critical thinkers with a high self-worth to undo that. Plus, I love them far too much to break them.  How can we break someone we love? I never could wrap my mind around that concept. Love is about building someone up not tearing them down. At least that's how I see it.
2. I’ll log my children’s behavior and the “appropriate” consequence(s) the Pearls recommend I use along with what I actually did and why I do things the way I do.  
3. I’ll ask my children how they would feel if their consequence was what is recommended and document their response as well as my own response.
4. On the show, I will have a visual to show the number of times it’s recommended to physically harm my children.  I like visuals.  While I deal in words, nothing can take the place of a powerful visual.               

Questions. Children have them. They are a never-ending chasm of questions and wonder. Of course, we want to encourage their questioning, their desire to know. Some damn days the answers don’t come as easily as we would like, though.

The other day Professor Chaos bolted into the living room, presumably basking in the glory of the removed baby gate, and positioned himself at the end of the couch. He had a question. Tilting his rainbow colored head to the side he began:

“Mom, dad says that boys can have vaginas and girls can have penises,” I confirmed that what his father had told him was correct and then I waited for the question(s) that I knew were about to follow.

“Well, how is that?” I breathed a sigh of relief, that one would be fairly easy to explain. I told him that people don’t always feel that their outside matches the person inside, so they take steps in a long process to make that happen. Sometimes that means changing everything, sometimes that just means a few things change. What’s in their underwear doesn’t define if they are male or female, though, the person defines that.

He nodded in understanding and then said, “Well, I get that. That’s not what I’m asking, though”. Then my heart skipped a beat because there wasn’t going to be anything easy about this conversation.

He started again “I want to know how they have a penis or vagina”. I looked at him for a moment, slightly confused, because we’ve discussed reproduction before, but he’s only seven and it’s been a while so I figured he needed a refresher. “Well, it happens in the womb when the baby is forming.” Then we watched a video on male and female sex organs and a four-minute time-lapse animated video on fetal development.

And this is why we call him Professor Chaos.




I think it might be time for mommy to go back to only using the computer in the evenings once the little ones have gone off to bed. Unless I want to spend some more time getting glitter out of well…everywhere!

My kids fight. I’m sure all siblings do, I know my brother and I did as well as The Spouse and his brother. Just because they fight *I don’t mean physical knock-down drag out fights, I mean verbal whining fights*, doesn’t mean I want to always referee even when they come to me with the issue. I prefer they figure these things out for themselves or at least argue where I don’t have to hear it. This morning they decided they wanted to have a row –from what I could make out General Disarray was annoying Professor Chaos, so Professor Chaos started pushing General Disarray towards his own toys and away from the area where Professor Chaos was-, when that didn’t work they decided to come find me! I was busy in my room making some list for our trip and upon hearing the “MOM” screams growing closer I laid my head down hoping they would think I was sleeping and run off to work it out.

I had no such luck; instead they remained shouting my name over my fake snores. Realizing I wasn’t getting out of referee duty today I rolled over to them both explaining the situation. Each expecting me to take their side, sometimes I will listen to both sides and make a judgment…today though I decided to be lazy. Yup, I was a lazy referee…I had no need for an instant replay instead I did the following:

Me: “Face each other…drop your toys…move closer to one another”…General Disarray: “We can’t get any closer!”…Me: “Good now both of you put your arms around your brother” *arms slowly extend and wrap around each other*…”Now stay that way”…

I then went back to what I was doing. They stayed that way for about a minute or so before they started to get upset with me. I asked if I was being annoying for having them stand that way, they said yes, I asked if they liked being annoyed… they said no. Then I gave them a choice, either make-up, work out their differences, and play nicely or remain standing locked together.

They are currently playing…they choose to work it out and all I had to do is give them a common annoyance. Possibly not the most effective form of parenting, but it got the job done this morning.

*The following was all a result of an initial question, which was “How did people get here?”*

General Disarray: “Mom how do babies get out of a woman’s belly?”

Me: “Through her vagina” *I’m a stickler for facts and honesty with T.B.M. even at 7am*

General Disarray insists that things make perfect sense…this answer did not.
Instead of accepting my answer he looks down at my pants, then back up at me and remarks: “Well that just doesn’t make any sense! Your vagina is too small for a baby to fit through!” Even at 7am the humor of that observation still shined through.

After I composed myself I guided him through the process of childbirth in a manner fitting his age and my own personal comfort level; because honestly I don’t want to talk about vaginas, birth canals, and the fact that us moms push something roughly the size of a watermelon through a hole roughly the size of a softball at 7 in the morning.

Once I had finished ensuring he knew more about the reproductive process then the next crop of “16 and Pregnant” hopefuls, he stated that two kids were enough for our family because and I quote “I don’t want you to have to go through that again mom”. I high-fived him and then proceed to lie back down on the couch.

As much as I would like to institute a “No Complex Questions Before 9am” rule in our home, I have to smile because, General Disarray was able to learn something he genuinely wanted to know and I got to ensure he won’t make me a grandmother before I’m 45…possibly 50.

Have you heard about Wave At The Bus? It’s a blog by a family in Utah who decided that waving at their son’s school bus every morning should be done in a humors fashion. And for that we say Thank You! Check out their blog if you are in need of a laugh today! Seriously, his costumes are AWESOME!! And their blog is serving as a great distraction from things I need to do…like the rest of our 2011-2012 lesson planning.

Hello my name is Rayven and I’m just a parent. One thing I’ve noticed on this parenting journey, which has become even more obvious since I plunged head first into the homeschooling world, is that there are labels for everything. You are either this or you are that. I swear cruising parenting forums is like taking a seat at a well-stocked bar. Your liquor choices include*but certainly aren’t limit to*:

Free-Range

Baby-Wise

Attachment

Unparenting

Helicopter

Gender Neutral

Tiger Mom

TTAC *I will not directly link to that groups website on this blog EVER!*

And those are honestly just the ones that come to my mind first. Then on top of the groups you have the list that go with them, Ten Things Every Parent Should Do, Free-Range Don’ts, How To Ruin Your Child, Ways To Ensure Your Child’s Happiness, Top Ten Dangers Lurking In Your Home, and well…you all get the idea. By the time you’ve made your selection and read through the various lists, suggestions, and how-toes for that choice the bartender is shouting last call. You’ve spent your whole night stressing the selection that you forget to enjoy what brought you there to start with.

What brings us to the bar of parenting? Why it’s the very beings that make us parents, our children. No child in the history of mankind has ever come with an instruction manual, and so far none of the “this is it!” guides have had the same results with every family that has implored their use. Children aren’t stereos or pieces of furniture from Ikea. They are individuals with individual needs, wants, desires, and predispositions. It would take an ingredient list over a mile long just to scratch the surface of the children in our two-child home. So why sit down and try to find one that fits before we have even had a chance to see the various individual flavors alive in our children?

Yes I enjoy reading various thoughts and opinions on the subject of children and raising them, but I don’t take all of those as the end all and be all of my parenting selection. I don’t have to lock into one drink; in fact I personally prefer water. Why? Because you can add the flavors you want as you need them, and start over with a fresh batch if the situation calls for it. Allowing you to always have your own fresh perspective, instead of the haze created by stacks of “parent tested methods”, plus it’s very refreshing and never goes out of style.

Some of these methods I have tasted and enjoyed and some I avoid like the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle. At the end of the night I have to remember one very important detail that no matter what the books may say I am still a parent, and more importantly the parent of General Disarray and Professor Chaos. No one else can claim to be their mother that honor lies solely on my shoulders, and with that honor comes the knowledge that I know them. I know them better than someone sitting thousands of miles away writing a book ever will. Yes there methods may seem interesting, and sure some of it may work, but what exactly do I as the mother of these two children need to add to my glass of water to get these two boys to adulthood? And more importantly can I even use the same glass for both?

For now I’m going to be a parent running on instinct and a few pieces of advice to give me a pinch of extra flavor. I’m going to be too hard for one group, too leant for another, depriving of the “finer things in life” *designer threads and a brand new car* according to one group, and spoiling them rot according to the other side. I’ll be sheltering them because of our homeschooling and my stance on the influence of individuals over my children, and at the same time I’ll be too permissive because I will allow them to stay home alone during the day when I return to the workforce.

No matter where I turn at the parenting bar I will be screwing up, so I say fine! Let me screw up! I’m going to stumble through this parenting thing sober and focused. I’m going to do my job as their mother, and will they come out perfect because of it? Hell No! Why would anyone want a perfect concoction though? It loses its’ personality when it’s all the same. I want a little more of something and a little less of something else. I want perfect imperfection. Will my children reach adulthood with plenty of stories for their therapist? Probably. Does it make me a horrible parent because I don’t think one size parenting approaches fits-all and I have no desire to force myself into one? No, I don’t think so; I’m sure someone somewhere does. But they aren’t on this journey with the people I’m on it with. Embracing this journey and letting it mold me instead of molding it into some prepackaged ideal, is what makes me human. It’s what makes me their mother and no one else’s.

So when we sit down at the parenting bar tonight and I order a glass of water with two shots of lemon and a dash of sugar, instead of gazing helplessly at the selection on the wall, you all will know why.

This popped up on my list of articles and well…I just have to share this because it’s just so completely…well I’m speechless. I think I find it particularly disturbing due to the children involved being in the same grade as General Disarray. The thought that actions like these would be in the mind of children so young is very upsetting. It’s not that it took place in a public school classroom *although it does highlight the issue of too many children and not enough teachers in classrooms*, because this could have easily taken place in someone’s home, and possibly has.

It’s the fact that children this young are doing these things, and that they even know about these actions. If we are going to allow our children to be exposed to the over-sexed environment in television and movies *even Nickelodeon is guilty of this and has caused us to turn the channel in the middle of a “kid-friendly” episode*, then we must be willing to address what we feel is appropriate and what isn’t, and WHY we feel this way. If we don’t discuss these issues with our children, then who will? It is our job as parents to be PARENTS. Our children will not raise themselves, nor will any school system raise them.

We have to do our jobs, no matter how uncomfortable it may be at times.

“Parents have become so convinced that educators know what is best for their children that they forget that they themselves are really the experts.”~Marian Wright Edelman

A friend of mine recently asked her friends’ list if they thought token economies worked. I think they can personally when handled properly and followed through on. It got me thinking about

1. How I need to go ahead and place my order with Accountable Kids, and

2. What is it I want to get out of the program.

I stumbled upon Accountable Kids while babysitting for a friend. She is a book junkie like I am so I often scan her bookcases when I’m in her home making a mental note of what I need to look up and learning a little bit about her as I go along *I’m a firm believer that ones bookshelf is a gateway into who they are, and it’s nice to see what gets my inner circle’s wheels turning*. As I scanned I saw Accountable Kids and figuring I had some time before she would return I plucked it off the shelf and began to read it.

Now we have dabbled in token economies before. First with a chore chart were every chore had a monetary value attached to it. This was mostly to help teach money and financial responsibility *saving for the bigger toy instead of blowing it the minute they got it*. I wasn’t really happy with it, since at the ages the kids are money doesn’t have the kind of value adults give to it and thus doesn’t allow for any sort of discipline measure *at least not in our home anyways*.

We currently have a family chore chart, and we all contribute to the final rewards *family movie nights, dinners out, fun park trips*, but that is more of a way to show how we all contribute to the home and our rewarded for our hard work at the end of the week. It still didn’t address some of the issues I felt were most important *accountability and consequences when one is irresponsible*.

Which is what made me nearly polish off the Accountable Kids book before my friend came home. It addressed the very issues I was trying to address. I enjoyed it’s method of handling discipline issues *I’m not all spanking is evil, but I personally want something different than what The Spouse and I grew up with*.

And most importantly it gives me a model to stick too, I think that has been the biggest problem is having a clear model we can use. What we have done has mostly just been pieced together and frankly not as affective as I would like and I know it is because of this lack of structure.

Something else stood out to me while reading the comments on the post, and it was that one commenter had said this method reminded them of Pavlov’s Dog experiment, which got me thinking on a deeper level about parenting, discipline, etc. Pavlov’s experiment is an act in classical conditioning where he used stimuli to induce a response in a dog. Even in it’s most simplest forms parenting can be seen as “conditioning”, although I prefer to not think of what I am doing as a parent in the same light as a scientist using a dog.

We start this from the time the child learns to roll over. First by moving objects out of their way *they soon recognize they can‘t have these items*, then proclaiming HOT! when they reach for the stove/oven *they soon remember they must not touch these items even if you aren’t around to tell them they are hot*, to potty training *it is called training after all* where we teach a child what to do when their body gives them the signals that it needs to go, it all adds up to producing someone who can navigate through life realizing that there are consequences and rewards *either internal or external* in life.

So it brought me to the conclusion that all parenting is conditioning in some form or fashion. The only thing that changes is the methods we use with our children. For some families it’s token economies, for others it’s grounding, bribing, time-outs, scolding, or corporal punishment.

Each method is an attempt to get the desired behavior that the parents/guardians want. Not all methods offer positive results *for instance bribing is usually done when the child is having a fit in an attempt to stop the behavior, which in a lot of cases just feeds the behavior later on so they can get their way*.

The most important thing about parenting regardless of how you look at it is that you do what you see is best for your child(ren) in a safe, loving, nurturing way. Ultimately, you want them to be accountable, confident, respectful, responsible, loving, and secure in who they are.

There are million and one different ways to do this, trust yourself and you will me amazed at where it can lead.

**For the record Accountable Kids isn’t paying me or giving me their product *I was just THAT impressed with what I read…and when it comes to books/products of this nature it takes A LOT to impress me*.**

I was laying in bed last night quickly sub-coming to the comforts of my pillows when I had the most interesting thought: In order to take good care of my children I must take good care of myself. I’m sure I must have heard that somewhere before, possibly a doctor or nurse during my early days of parenthood.

This message isn’t just for mothers or homeschoolers, but for everyone who takes care of children. It is hard work, and in order to do it effectively we must ensure we are meeting our own needs as well. This has been a topic The Spouse and I have been discussing over the last few weeks, maybe that is why I finally had the epiphany. The Spouse constantly tells me to take my vitamins, sneak a nap during the day, or just get adequate food and water, but that doesn’t always work in with the plans of the day.

So what is a parent to do? Well here are some realizations I have made and that I plan to implement.

Realization #1: Sleep is not overrated! I have the following quote by Wolf Blitzer on my FB page “Sleep really is overrated”, and while it is nice to think that, reality says otherwise. Our bodies need sleep and according to WebMD lack of a good night’s rest can have some pretty horrible effects on our health. The average amount of sleep an adult needs is roughly seven to nine hours, The Spouse and I don’t achieve this. In fact most adults don’t, so what can we do to change this? Start a bedtime! Yes I know that may sound silly, just think about how often as kids we fought against bedtime, but there is a sound reason behind the bedtime practice. Other than the fact that mommy and daddy need peace and quiet. By setting a bedtime for ourselves like we do the boys, The Spouse and I will ensure we get the recommended amount of sleep. As well as pay a little on our “sleep debt” so we can eventually wake up feeling happy, refreshed, and energetic just like Child #1 and Child #2 do every single morning.

Realization #2: Animal crackers are not a food group! We have all done it at some point in time…running this way and that…we stop to feed the kids not acknowledging that the rumble, that could be mistaken for a car on its last leg, is coming from our stomachs. By the time everyone has enjoyed their meal it hits you…that sound is coming from ME and I should probably eat. So you dig in your bag, pocket, ect., and find it, that slightly stale day old animal cracker. It sure does taste good going down, you pause…maybe you should actually eat something…then the phone rings, someone screams, and as you spin in a million directions you notice your sink full of dirty dishes. Just like that lunch has taken a backseat to life, no big deal, there is always dinner.



According to the USDA this unhealthy eating, just like lack of sleep, isn’t good for us either. Eating three well proportioned meals, and two healthy snacks is the goal. I know, I know you are asking yourselves the same thing I’m thinking “What parent has time for that?”. But if I’m already planning and making meals for the boys then adding another plate or two *if The Spouse is home* shouldn’t be that difficult. Just taking the time to plan and prep my own meals would ensure I also sat down and ate them. In the end that is the goal, to actually eat something other than the animal cracker at the bottom of my purse.

And Realization #3: There is power in Yes and No. Just because something needs to be done, that doesn’t mean it has to come before your health and wellbeing, it’s ok to say no even to yourself! For instance tonight if it gets to the time that I have set as my bedtime and I still haven’t finished cleaning x, y, or z, it is perfectly ok to walk away. Will the world end if I don’t put that last load in the dishwasher? No. Will my house be overtaken by the roaches from Joe’s Apartment? No. Will I get the sleep I need in order to function the following day? Yes!, and is that more important than a spotless house, or any other chore I may need to take care of, YES! That is the power of realizing that there is power in yes and no. In just five minutes I can determine how my whole next day will play out, by taking the time to use those two little words. It doesn’t just stop there, it extends to saying yes to a 30 minute kid’s show so I can work in a healthy snack or a chore that would cut into my evening downtime *which is important when trying to obtain a good night’s rest*.

These are just a few of my realizations, there are others, but for now I’m going to focus on these three. I’ll fill you all in on how things are going a month from now, and if they are going well I’ll share some other realizations I’ve had.